Yes. This is deleted. It's not written for someone waking up to the morning, or falling asleep at night. Its written for all the people who feel they have to express desperation to be noticed. I've been one of you, don't feel ashamed, invalidated, or coddled. Just know your pain is one more reason to make someone else's day as real and also as magical as possible, and you don't even have to pretend to be a wizard to do that. Below this post on a thread, I'ma post every single FB post I decided to later hide from the public for the sake of intentionality, inspite of the fact my expression is always sincere.
Recognize above all... If you can continue to read. Whether it be academic, musical, poetic, dialectic, all of the above, words written for others ears and not to play and embed yourself and others with reality are inherently dissociated. Social media and messaging technology has created a force by which compulsive writers like myself feel that we are expressing ourselves when we're in fact facing a mental obstacle course that is presented as a platform we ought to be grateful for.
Fuck that.
And fuck this noise.
Any ideas expressed below. I can do better. For you, for me, for everyone, our sincerity can not be in public trial, its an oxymoron... Case in point
Our words are meant to be from voices to ears and letters to minds, not advertised as slogans for potential interpretations, personalities and rates of success. Technology is the grand solution and demise of humanity, and social media is that line. Observe. This is all shit compared to what I'm capable of.
"I'm still learning how to respect myself even when someone else doesn't (tell em to fuck off), how to show someone else respect even when I don't like them (tell em to fuck off), how to forgive myself when Im disrespectful (fuck off)
Its taken me 6 years to sober up since I first started trying. I haven't given up on myself, but I have totally developed enough untamed emotional distress to be something of a magnet for bullshit.
No, I don't have a boyfriend, no that does not mean I'm available for lease and no, that's definitely not an invitation for people who are only attracted to me if they are certain I don't want it at all.
I don't need anyone to remind me that rapey and romantic are synonyms in English. Raping and pillaging, setting up shop without permission and doing it in the name of God is the root of the word American. Why is anyone surprised everyone's running around pulling out their hair about people being intrusive disrespectful assholes all day everyday right now!?
Everytime power is challenged we are forced as a society to reconcile that part of being a victim to society means being a victim to our own mind.
It doesn't surprise me at all that everyone's torn up inside and desperately running around on tinder after whatever long term relationship was destroyed during covid, trying to wear each other's lives like skin walkers and call it love.
The only thing that's swallowed up and pissed on me and all the amazing caring people in my life more than alcohol, is feeding into this national trap house mentality by giving into my desperate beliefs that someone else could ever offer me more than I can offer myself. I've always known better but it sucks me back in worse than any addiction ever has. It has never been worth it to fall in that trap. Not once. My solar plexus has all but collapsed. The best thing about falling in love has been learning how to make sure it never happens again.
I am so excited to spend the rest of my thirties single, sober, and sincerely fucking miserable. I can't wait. I love people, a lot, but I do not believe in falling in love with people. I fall in love with ideas I might as well act like it.
Don't even try to change my mind and don't ask me to be the mythical skank you met on Mardi gras a decade ago. I'm not going to try to cheer any of y'all sad assholes up anymore. You wanna be depressed? Be my guest, get yourself out of bed in the morning cause I won't be there. I've got a thorn up my ass and I'm not afraid to use it, not even as a butt plug.".
"I recently remembered something I'd figured out when I was younger, forgot and then had to relearn repeatedly.
There are a lot different types of tears.
There's crying because there's so much grief in your system you need to physically let go.
There's tears from having an epiphany, or seeing something so unexpected and warming your solar plexus starts dancing.
There's tears because something is genuinely sad and you feel it's terrible, it's crying from empathy.
Then there is crying from anxiety, from stress, it's an autonomic reaction that we train ourselves to do subconsciously that everyone learns in different ways. Even though it feels involuntary in the moment we can train ourselves and untrain ourselves when we cry like this.
We start learning when were babies and then we keep relearning. It's crying for attention, to seem weak as a self defense mechanism, a red herring to deflect blame, a way to show remorse. This crying is the least empathetic and generally the most manipulative. But most that manipulate anyone usually aren't masterminding any shit, quite the opposite, they've lost so much self reflection that most of their behaviors are sheer reactions.
Then there's crying because you're hurt, you've been betrayed, it's the opposite of laughter, it's something unexpected... You didn't think it would be harmful but life tricked you.
When people talk about wanting to be emotional, to express themselves, to take self care and hold space, it's really important to distinguish what emotions were feeling. Being extremely emotional is always something you want to feel, but just because you feel anything at all doesnt mean expressing yourself is gonna be something you or anyone else always deservedly should do. Sometimes expressing yourself is just a knee jerk reaction and it can be fucking violent.
Lol just spreading holiday cheer! Dr. Dirty at yo service"
"Best things you can be: consistent, and be able to sleep with yourself at night. How to get there?
Count your blessings, not everything that comes into your head needs to come out of your mouth, and .... Josh Boutte ... I forget the last one?"
