Thursday, December 24, 2015

25 Comforting Holiday Facts/Things somebody told me one time


25 Really Useful Things to Know
1.)    If you should ever try to give a dolphin a blow job, beware you’ll likely be decapitated by their happy ending. Dolphin sperm is extremely forceful, allowing it to traverse high powered ocean currents when impregnating females.
2.)    Wearing orange sunglasses at night may block unnatural blue light from deactivated your melatonin production. Melatonin is a critical hormone element of circadian rhythms. Wearing orange sunglasses at night is thus a logical preventative measure against risk factors for sleep deprivation, cancer, and mental destabilization.
3.)      Pittsburgh has the largest populations of furries in the country. Furries are a large faction of society who identify as stuffed animals, or simply prefer stuffed animals sexually.
4.)    If you are withdrawing from SSRIs don’t take XTC, or hallucinogens like psilocybin that act heavily on serotonin receptors, you may be susceptible to serotonin overdose which may put you at risk for becoming rather permanently psychotic
5.)    If you want to spot an undercover police car look for a large search light on the interior of their car, located by the left rear view mirror
6.)    The first slave revolt that secured the freedom of survivors against the transatlantic slave trade took place in Haiti following the French Revolution.  Napoleon Bonaparte had used slaves to fight for French liberation, promising them false freedom.  The message of liberty, equality and brotherhood for all, spread to all against the will of those who had been proselytizing it so loudly.   It can be known the rhetoric of pain is more powerful than those who abuse it.
7.)    High speed Tokyo bullet trains operate using superconductors.  Superconductors can reject magnetic fields because their electrons are in a completely homeostatic electrical state. They can pair off and provide a frictionless electrical lattice for current to flow through.  This allows the Bullet trains to float on their track with zero friction and reach speeds of 200mph.
8.)    Cupids are depictions of rotund babies from the Victorian era, who were not fed by breast feeding and instead were given animal milk with little to no nutrients.  They became bloated and ill. As fat at that time was considered a sign of healthiness most of the ‘cherub’ babies we now recognize on valentine’s day hallmark cards are authentically depictions of the hundreds of dead infants from well off families who fell victim to absurd medical information.
9.)    Gift Giving was not customary during Christmas until the industrial revolution when consumer markets honed in on a potential for increased sales
10.) Butterflies stab turtles in the eyes and drink their tears.  It is extremely beneficial for their immune systems.
11.) The letter e is a mathematical symbol. e is a factor in the computation of the bell curve, which population distributions and tests of illness or atypical behavior are measured against.  The letter e was discovered by a man who measured thousands of male chests without explanation. It was after he somehow published the data of male chest measurements that it was discovered the mathematical formulas derived from his data applied to all known life forms.  The rate of change of the average across samples is therefore graphically identical between the sexuality activity of ligers, the likeliness of having Zanex not cause health problems amongst middle class housewives, and the average male chest circumference in Italy during the renaissance.  
12.) The band New Order was also known as Joy division before the lead singer committed suicide who had outfitted the band with a driving bass line and haunting poetry, the memory of which was trampled in the wake of synthesizers and songs about threesomes.
13.) Victorian era corsets used to be prescribed to young girls, and opium was prescribed at infancy, available from the doctor to prevent impolite crying.
14.) When someone is told their being given an opioid but it’s actually a placebo their body increases the amount of endogenous or ‘internally produced’ opioids in their system.  This is true even if someone has never been given a pain killer before.
15.) According to Alfred Einstein insanity is asking the same question over and over again and expecting different answers.   So depending on what time frame is under suspicion of repetitious curiosity, Alfred Einstein would have technically considered all experimental scientists insane.
16.) Blossom was leader of the power puff girls, and is also used in slang by John Waters to refer to someone who has been bottomed so much their anus has inverted
17.) According to the mathematical theorem of Kurt Gödel in 1931 you cannot have an algebraic system that is entirely complete and consistent, the two are mutually exclusive.  Completeness is fleeting, and consistency is incomplete.
18.) The Lakota tribe moves through four spirit worlds during Sweat Lodge ceremony’s, as the soul sweats beyond the confines of the body.
19.) The danse macabre means, dance of the dead. It is best known as a symphony based on cathedral works of art discovered from medieval times depicting cathartic breakouts of dance during the black plague. These supposedly uncontrollable illegal outbursts followed a law stating that the entirety of Europe was prohibited from dancing. The grim sentencing of European’s to lose their rhythm for hundreds of years followed a misinterpretation of ‘gods will’ regarding several parties that involved pagan rituals.  At the rituals the main events were dancing, drinking, and kissing plague ridden corpses.  When everyone died after the parties it seemed obvious to the faithful at the time that the dancing had been the culprit. These rather raucous parties were also the basis of the plot line for sleeping beauty.
20.) The upward location of north pole on a map is completely relative.  The association of up with north was a tactical method during early cartography to maintain European’s delusion of hierarchical authority by abusing visual representations of the universe.
21.) A large percentage of Merriam’s Webster’s original dictionary was written by volunteers, the largest contribution to Merriam Webster’s original content was submitted by a man who spent his life writing panel chosen definitions from within a mental institution.
22.) Words are like back alleys.  The more time you spend in each particular one the less intimidating they seem.


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

My Up and Coming Dawn

I had a dream last night
the dive bar was a bank
I had a dream last night
That flood was a water slide
I had a dream last night
That tomorrow is a dream

Where’d all the money go?
Can’t get from one step to the next
The folks with blind folds are always one step ahead
Stumbling around, defensive, hypochondriacs                                                          
They think they’re color blind

I was transplanted like a cactus
A lovely succubus with hallucinogens trapped in my meat
If I cut you it was probably an accident
But now I’m this invasive species here

Once a lonely desert in a sea of green
I’m a dime a dozen house plant in these urban trees
I go to the dollar store to find myself for cheap
But it’s too late they evicted the desert
Isn’t that nice,
Now it’s an oasis
I’m all pruny and pasty, shriveling at the sight

It’s all a lie, a conspiracy, all along
I’m not the cactus I’m the pot
I’m the water and the window sill
And these thorns made me hot
But now I’m all alone
this shit hole smells like air freshener
I try to chant to Buddha but he’s helping the blind

They are not blind
Buddha, you are not Buddha
I call your bluff
Don’t take the price you get
Don’t pea in the water park
Don’t shit in the ball pit
Don’t take pictures of your quaint 15$ breakfast  
Morality is not a quiet night at home
Morality is not a morning in a cubicle
The default is not kevin spacey with a gun to his head
It’s mother fuckers thinking opportunity is free

Remember the waters we swim in
sank somebody’s first Christmas,
 and your 3d adventureis are built on grammy’s death bed
we brought her cactus ashes
and a pot to lie inside
left it in her oasis, it rained a bit and we sighed

Remember that fairy tales are as real as their fables
Mysticism, passion, and even little red riding hoods tasty ankles

There was a wolf by the dumpster today
She was taller than me and looked like she belonged on a super 90’s tee
I Say hello but no heavy petting
Now I know The alpha is here,
 I sniff her ass and look down
I didn’t know she just wanted to mess around
live and let live don’t Mean economics forgive
Those who aren’t in debt and those who have kids
Discrimination dichotomies, black white woman man mind body
Some corporeal shit it’s got a hold of me
I wanna smile just like you
I don’t want no sexy bathrooms
Just electric ukuleles
I force feed myself such snarky self loathing and pampers
Apathy diapers and smiles turns to fiber
It’s true there’s not much between me and the fucker fantasizing of their technicolor tokens
It’s guilty’s guilt for the crimes ill committed of a historicity locked away in our drain pipes, those crimes have debts but wait the land lords collectin, listen up somebody, but guilt sews my eyes shut. These viewings are not for little white girls. Be vulnerable, the cracked kettle says to the shattered tea pot.
It’s been life times of temporary glue, group therapy in ware house rooms, and everyday glances that separate me from you. A life time of translation and English is still my official language.
 those silent smiles we feel falling off eathothers faces are fatal
Us them, me you, our their, we, she he, ze, it but why?
Sometimes
I gag and google professional help, never calling any numbers
But I hold up my head an remember I’m a brainbow
I don’t know who you are but I’ll meet you in my car.
Vacate the vacay premises so there is a vacancy.
We’ll just keep going and going and going and going
Vacate the vacay premises so there is a vacancy
I put my sexy sleep mask on
And imagine leaving no trace behind
Drive on al madrugada, into the stratum stank ass of porange petrochemical horizons
A summer sun slowed down with fatigue
From the Graveyard shift moonlighting as the fluffer
of my up and coming dawn

Monday, January 19, 2015

Peel off your Kicks

I think the details of reality relinquish the utility of theory.
The essence of the moment disintegrates such academic jargon into a lugubrious web of space time lace.
 If you don’t see me do I fall? If you do see me do I crash?
Crash my hydrogen engine into an elliptical belt of lycra buckling beneath the anew exponential.
The quantum shown on a fuzzy-soft-scary VHS, the hypothetical histories played out in JG Ballard and writers of such “insanity” they quote unquote you on your car insurance and inhale your soot.  Just before you put for foot down step the pedal up your back side and remember that rhythm is something
you
can’t
buy.
Lick your frailities up with your own movement, and bypass sociality with that same movement unpeeling sensitivity to your own familiarity.
That is diversity they say, but they take a picture and strip it like a chloride duct of mine mine mine
Own
Decateur
Isn’t it lovely
Soundless like a noise ordinance
Decatur her
 devale her
felay the leather they say before 99% pins down the wheel and steers off road into the concrete jungle wayward
paving an absence of what you turned to see behind you
the cat following you home discreetely
as if by accident
as the culture that didn’t admit roots of behavior
It will find your dances and your masochism and ensnare them in the teeth of your escape unless you play the plague and pick your battle

move forward enjoying the breeze of absurdist cattle