Thursday, December 24, 2015

25 Comforting Holiday Facts/Things somebody told me one time

25 Really Useful Things to Know
1.)    If you should ever try to give a dolphin a blow job, beware you’ll likely be decapitated by their happy ending. Dolphin sperm is extremely forceful, allowing it to traverse high powered ocean currents when impregnating females.
2.)    Wearing orange sunglasses at night may block unnatural blue light from deactivated your melatonin production. Melatonin is a critical hormone element of circadian rhythms. Wearing orange sunglasses at night is thus a logical preventative measure against risk factors for sleep deprivation, cancer, and mental destabilization.
3.)      Pittsburgh has the largest populations of furries in the country. Furries are a large faction of society who identify as stuffed animals, or simply prefer stuffed animals sexually.
4.)    If you are withdrawing from SSRIs don’t take XTC, or hallucinogens like psilocybin that act heavily on serotonin receptors, you may be susceptible to serotonin overdose which may put you at risk for becoming rather permanently psychotic
5.)    If you want to spot an undercover police car look for a large search light on the interior of their car, located by the left rear view mirror
6.)    The first slave revolt that secured the freedom of survivors against the transatlantic slave trade took place in Haiti following the French Revolution.  Napoleon Bonaparte had used slaves to fight for French liberation, promising them false freedom.  The message of liberty, equality and brotherhood for all, spread to all against the will of those who had been proselytizing it so loudly.   It can be known the rhetoric of pain is more powerful than those who abuse it.
7.)    High speed Tokyo bullet trains operate using superconductors.  Superconductors can reject magnetic fields because their electrons are in a completely homeostatic electrical state. They can pair off and provide a frictionless electrical lattice for current to flow through.  This allows the Bullet trains to float on their track with zero friction and reach speeds of 200mph.
8.)    Cupids are depictions of rotund babies from the Victorian era, who were not fed by breast feeding and instead were given animal milk with little to no nutrients.  They became bloated and ill. As fat at that time was considered a sign of healthiness most of the ‘cherub’ babies we now recognize on valentine’s day hallmark cards are authentically depictions of the hundreds of dead infants from well off families who fell victim to absurd medical information.
9.)    Gift Giving was not customary during Christmas until the industrial revolution when consumer markets honed in on a potential for increased sales
10.) Butterflies stab turtles in the eyes and drink their tears.  It is extremely beneficial for their immune systems.
11.) The letter e is a mathematical symbol. e is a factor in the computation of the bell curve, which population distributions and tests of illness or atypical behavior are measured against.  The letter e was discovered by a man who measured thousands of male chests without explanation. It was after he somehow published the data of male chest measurements that it was discovered the mathematical formulas derived from his data applied to all known life forms.  The rate of change of the average across samples is therefore graphically identical between the sexuality activity of ligers, the likeliness of having Zanex not cause health problems amongst middle class housewives, and the average male chest circumference in Italy during the renaissance.  
12.) The band New Order was also known as Joy division before the lead singer committed suicide who had outfitted the band with a driving bass line and haunting poetry, the memory of which was trampled in the wake of synthesizers and songs about threesomes.
13.) Victorian era corsets used to be prescribed to young girls, and opium was prescribed at infancy, available from the doctor to prevent impolite crying.
14.) When someone is told their being given an opioid but it’s actually a placebo their body increases the amount of endogenous or ‘internally produced’ opioids in their system.  This is true even if someone has never been given a pain killer before.
15.) According to Alfred Einstein insanity is asking the same question over and over again and expecting different answers.   So depending on what time frame is under suspicion of repetitious curiosity, Alfred Einstein would have technically considered all experimental scientists insane.
16.) Blossom was leader of the power puff girls, and is also used in slang by John Waters to refer to someone who has been bottomed so much their anus has inverted
17.) According to the mathematical theorem of Kurt Gödel in 1931 you cannot have an algebraic system that is entirely complete and consistent, the two are mutually exclusive.  Completeness is fleeting, and consistency is incomplete.
18.) The Lakota tribe moves through four spirit worlds during Sweat Lodge ceremony’s, as the soul sweats beyond the confines of the body.
19.) The danse macabre means, dance of the dead. It is best known as a symphony based on cathedral works of art discovered from medieval times depicting cathartic breakouts of dance during the black plague. These supposedly uncontrollable illegal outbursts followed a law stating that the entirety of Europe was prohibited from dancing. The grim sentencing of European’s to lose their rhythm for hundreds of years followed a misinterpretation of ‘gods will’ regarding several parties that involved pagan rituals.  At the rituals the main events were dancing, drinking, and kissing plague ridden corpses.  When everyone died after the parties it seemed obvious to the faithful at the time that the dancing had been the culprit. These rather raucous parties were also the basis of the plot line for sleeping beauty.
20.) The upward location of north pole on a map is completely relative.  The association of up with north was a tactical method during early cartography to maintain European’s delusion of hierarchical authority by abusing visual representations of the universe.
21.) A large percentage of Merriam’s Webster’s original dictionary was written by volunteers, the largest contribution to Merriam Webster’s original content was submitted by a man who spent his life writing panel chosen definitions from within a mental institution.
22.) Words are like back alleys.  The more time you spend in each particular one the less intimidating they seem.